umaybaredneck

You Just Might Be A

REDNECK

You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.

You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple
get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'

Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.

The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."

You know yer a redneck when you take a load
to the dump and bring back more than you took

Your whole family is Democrats
except little Mary.
She lernt to readin'.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

Your family tree has no forks.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since
"Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.

You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures.

You use a weedeater in your living room.

You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.

The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.

Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.

Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

Down where you come from reruns of
Hee Haw are called documentaries.

Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.

You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.

On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just "misunderstood".

If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year".

Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
has more teeth than your wife.

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than
the truck you drive him around in.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.

You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.

It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.

You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it.

You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.

The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral
and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.

You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.

You may be a redneck if you ever
used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head.

During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker
'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.

You think the stock market
has fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.

Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."

You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.

YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON
A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS
"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."

The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.

You use a NASCAR credit card.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.

you might be a redneck if....
Your parents met at a family reunion.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.

You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".

YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.

You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

You couldn't learn to swim
because
your gene pool is too small.

Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.

You have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.

On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You got Clapper devices controlling
the appliances in your house.

You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.

The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.

They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32
on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.

The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.

You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.

You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your high school basketball game got rained out.

You've got more than three cousins
You have a close relative named "Cletus".

You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.

You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park.

Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies.

Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.

Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People"

Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.

You think the winter olympic sport of curling
is part of the "Big Hair" competition.

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God.

You've painted a car with house paint.

You're banned from the Memphis Zoo
because you disturb the monkeys.

You ever named a child after a dog.

You have more belt-buckles than pants.

You removed the back seat from your
car so all yer kids could fit in.

You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.

Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.

You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.

Back to REDNECK Page

To Contact Ray Pfob send mail to:
Ray Pfob 30201 Chinook P.O. Calgary Alberta Canada T2H 2V9

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